Today, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Day.
When I was fifteen years old, I tried to commit suicide for the first time. Last year, I did it again. Nowadays, it’s very hard for me to admit that I actually tried to throw my life away as if it meant nothing. I spent so, so many years of my life with the constant thought of disappearing and sleeping forever, and I felt so mad at me because I knew that I had nothing to complain about. I have a loving family, amazing friends, three cats that are glued to me, and I married my soulmate. Even so, I always carried this sensation that I was nothing, that I was a waste of space.
I was forced to quit my job because everytime that I went out to the streets, I had to make an incredible amount of effort to keep myself from jumping in front of trains and cars.
It took me more than a decade to realise that it’s okay to ask for help, and that I definitely needed it. I learned that it’s not normal to think about killing myself 24/7. It’s not normal for my husband to be forced to hide all the medicines and knives from me because he doesn’t trust me anymore. It’s not normal to cut my arms using my nails when I’m feeling too damn mad at myself.
I am blessed because life gave me opportunities to live again and again, even when I had already given up.
My life, your life, everybody’s life is important.
We just don’t exist. We live.
Don’t be scared to admit that you need help, because we are only humans. Mental health is part of your soul, and it matters more than you can imagine.
I’m sharing my story with you because I don’t want you to go through what I went through, especially because I’m more than aware that I am blessed for still being alive.
Today, the knives and medicines are still hidden from me, but at least I am breathing and living one second at a time. I’m still healing because it’s a long, delicate process. But I know that I can do it, and I know that I am not alone.
I am here for you too.
Feel free to contact me anytime if you ever need to talk.
I'm a Brazilian crazy cat lady, book lover and gamer who loves to write, listen to music and doesn't know how to cook! All of those plus living in Japan for the last fifteen years. :)
Welcome to my life!